Habit Formation: How Small Changes Shape Who We Are Becoming
Habits are often framed as a matter of discipline or willpower. If we were just more motivated, more focused, or more committed, we would finally stick to the routines we set for ourselves. Yet research and clinical experience tell a different story. Habits are not built through force; they are shaped through understanding, consistency, and compassion.
When we look closely at how habits form—and why they fall apart—we begin to see that lasting change rarely comes from dramatic overhauls. Instead, it emerges from small, intentional shifts that align with our environment, our nervous system, and our sense of identity. Habit formation is not about becoming a “better” person overnight. It is about supporting who we are while gently moving toward who we are becoming.
What Is a Habit, Really?
At its core, a habit is a behaviour that has become automatic. Rather than requiring conscious decision-making each time, habits run in the background of our daily lives. This efficiency is not a flaw; it’s how the brain conserves energy. The challenge arises when habits no longer serve our well-being, or when we try to create new ones without understanding how automation actually develops.
Research on habit formation shows that habits follow a predictable pattern. First, there is a cue—a trigger that tells the brain to initiate a behaviour. Next comes the behaviour itself, followed by a reward, which reinforces the loop and increases the likelihood that the behaviour will repeat in the future. Over time, this loop becomes ingrained. Understanding this pattern matters because it shifts the focus away from self-criticism and toward curiosity.
If a habit exists, it exists for a reason. Even habits we want to change are usually meeting a need—relief from stress, a sense of comfort, or a moment of escape. Sustainable change begins by honoring that need rather than fighting it.
Small Habits, Big Impact
One of the most empowering ideas in modern habit research is that small changes compound over time. A habit does not need to be impressive to be effective. In fact, habits that are too ambitious often fail because they demand more energy than our daily lives can realistically support.
From a wellness perspective, this is an important reframe. Many people arrive in therapy believing they must make drastic changes to feel better: overhaul their routine, eliminate every unhealthy coping strategy, or adopt a perfectly balanced lifestyle. This all-or-nothing mindset can lead to burnout and shame when change doesn’t stick.
Small habits, on the other hand, are approachable. They respect the realities of stress, fatigue, and limited capacity. A five-minute walk, a single deep breath, or writing one sentence in a journal may not feel transformative in the moment—but repeated consistently, these actions shape new patterns of behaviour and self-trust.
Identity and Habit Formation
Lasting habit change begins with identity, not willpower. When you stop asking “What should I do?” and start asking “Who do I want to become?”, behaviours naturally follow. Each small action is a vote for the type of person you believe you are—someone who shows up, learns, or takes care of themselves. For example, instead of forcing yourself to run because you “should exercise,” you begin to see yourself as a runner; going for a short jog then becomes an expression of who you are, not a task you have to motivate yourself to do. Habits stick when they align with your self-image, because changing your identity transforms effort into consistency, and discipline into simply acting in character.
This identity-based approach works better than outcome goals because it focuses on what you can control every day, rather than distant results you can’t guarantee. Outcome goals—like running 5 km or hitting a revenue target—depend on many variables and often lead to frustration or burnout once the goal is reached. Identity-based habits, on the other hand, emphasize becoming the kind of person who acts consistently in a certain way. When you focus on being a active person or a committed creator, progress becomes continuous, motivation is more stable, and success is no longer a finish line but a natural byproduct of who you are.
In counselling work at Being and Becoming Counselling and Wellness Services in Burnaby, this identity-based lens is often central. Rather than asking, What habit do I want to build? it can be more helpful to ask, Who am I becoming? Each small habit then becomes a vote for that identity—not proof of perfection, but evidence of direction.
The Role of Environment
Many people assume habits are purely personal—dependent on motivation, discipline, or character. In reality, habits are deeply influenced by environment. The spaces we move through, the cues we encounter, and the systems we live within all shape our behaviour.
If a habit feels hard to maintain, it may not be a personal failure. It may be a design issue.
Environment can either support or undermine our intentions. For example:
A cluttered space may increase stress and avoidance.
Constant notifications can disrupt focus and emotional regulation.
Lack of rest or nourishment can make even simple habits feel overwhelming.
Adjusting the environment is often more effective than relying on willpower. Placing reminders where they are easily seen, reducing friction around desired behaviours, and making supportive choices more accessible can dramatically increase consistency.
In therapy, this principle is especially helpful for clients who struggle with self-blame. Changing the environment reframes habit formation as a collaborative process between the individual and their context—not a test of moral strength.
Why Habits Break Down Under Stress
Stress changes how the brain functions. When stress is high, the nervous system prioritizes survival over long-term planning. This means that under pressure, people often revert to familiar habits—even ones they hoped to change.
This is not regression; it is biology.
Understanding this helps normalize why habits often break down during periods of transition, grief, burnout, or emotional overwhelm. It also explains why rigid habit plans tend to fail when life becomes unpredictable. A more sustainable approach to habit formation allows for flexibility. Rather than asking, Did I stick to the habit perfectly? we can ask, What helped me return to it?
Resilience is built not by never straying, but by practicing return without judgment.
Replacing, Not Erasing, Habits
Because habits exist to meet needs, removing a habit without addressing the underlying need often leads to substitution rather than change. The brain seeks reward and relief; if one pathway is blocked, another will emerge. This is why habit change is often more effective when framed as replacement rather than elimination.
Instead of trying to stop a behaviour outright, it can be helpful to identify what the habit provides and experiment with alternatives that meet the same need in a healthier way.
For example:
If a habit provides comfort, what other forms of comfort feel accessible?
If a habit offers escape, what safe forms of rest or distraction might also work?
If a habit brings connection, how else might connection be supported?
This approach aligns closely with therapeutic work, where behaviour is understood in context rather than judged in isolation.
Habit Formation as a Practice of Self-Trust
One of the most overlooked aspects of habit formation is its impact on self-trust. Each time we make a small promise to ourselves and follow through, we reinforce the belief that we are capable of change. Each time we respond to setbacks with kindness rather than criticism, we strengthen emotional resilience. Habit formation, then, becomes less about productivity and more about relationship—specifically, the relationship we have with ourselves.
For individuals who have experienced chronic stress, trauma, or repeated failure, rebuilding self-trust can be more important than achieving any specific outcome. Habits that are gentle, flexible, and aligned with values can serve as anchors during uncertain times.
At Being and Becoming Counselling and Wellness Services in Burnaby, habit work is often less about optimization and more about repair—repairing trust with the body, with routines, and with oneself.
Bringing It All Together
Habit formation is not a quick fix, and it is not a moral achievement. It is a gradual process shaped by identity, environment, nervous system regulation, and self-compassion. When we understand how habits work, we can move away from shame-based change and toward sustainable growth.
Rather than asking ourselves to become someone else, habits invite us to practice becoming more fully ourselves—one small action at a time.
Habit formation is most powerful when it supports presence as much as progress. We can honour who we are today while gently shaping the patterns that support who we are becoming. Change does not have to be loud to be meaningful. Often, it begins quietly—through small, consistent choices that accumulate into a life that feels more aligned, more supportive, and more sustainable.