How to Support Someone With an Eating Disorder (Without Saying the Wrong Thing)
Supporting someone with an eating disorder can feel overwhelming. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, making it worse, or damaging your relationship. Many well-intentioned people find themselves frozen between concern and uncertainty—wanting to help, but unsure how.
Eating disorders are complex mental health conditions, not lifestyle choices or phases. Recovery is possible, but it often requires specialized support, time, and patience. While you cannot “fix” an eating disorder for someone else, the way you show up can make a meaningful difference.
At Being and Becoming Counselling Services in Burnaby, we work with clients and their families to create compassionate, individualized support. This guide is designed to help you support a loved one with empathy and clarity—while avoiding common pitfalls that, although well-meant, can unintentionally cause harm.
First, Understand What an Eating Disorder Is (and Isn’t)
Eating disorders are serious mental health conditions that affect people of all ages, genders, body sizes, and backgrounds. They often involve a complicated relationship with food, body image, control, self-worth, and coping with emotions or trauma.
They are not:
About vanity or attention
A lack of willpower
Something someone can “just stop”
Always visible based on body size
Someone may appear “healthy” on the outside while struggling intensely on the inside. Assuming otherwise can invalidate their experience and discourage them from opening up.
A helpful mindset shift:
Instead of asking, “Why won’t they just eat?”
Try asking, “What purpose might this behaviour be serving for them right now?”
The Power of Language: Why Words Matter So Much
When someone is struggling with an eating disorder, they are often already dealing with intense self-criticism, shame, and fear. Comments that seem neutral—or even supportive—can land very differently.
Language matters because it can either:
Reduce shame and increase safety, or
Reinforce secrecy, guilt, and isolation
Your goal isn’t to say the perfect thing. It’s to communicate:
“I care.”
“I’m listening.”
“You’re not alone.”
“You don’t have to do this by yourself.”
What Helps: Supportive Things You Can Say
Here are examples of statements that tend to feel validating and supportive:
“I’m really glad you told me.”
This acknowledges the courage it takes to open up.“I care about you, and I want to understand what this is like for you.”
It centers curiosity, not judgment.“You don’t have to go through this alone.”
Many people with eating disorders feel deeply isolated.“I’m here to listen—no fixing required.”
This reduces pressure and defensiveness.“How can I support you right now?”
It respects autonomy and avoids assumptions.“That sounds really hard.”
Simple empathy can be incredibly powerful.
You don’t need to have the right answers. Being emotionally present is often more helpful than offering advice.
What to Avoid Saying (Even If You Mean Well)
Some common phrases can unintentionally minimize or worsen the struggle. Here’s why they’re unhelpful—and what to try instead.
1. Comments About Appearance
❌ “You look healthy now!”
❌ “You don’t look like you have an eating disorder.”
❌ “You’ve lost/gained weight—you look great!”
Why this hurts:
These comments reinforce the idea that worth or wellness is tied to appearance and can intensify body monitoring.
Try instead:
✅ “It’s good to see you.”
✅ “How have you been feeling lately?”
2. Food Policing or Simplistic Solutions
❌ “Just eat more.”
❌ “Why don’t you try being less restrictive?”
❌ “Everything in moderation!”
Why this hurts:
Eating disorders aren’t about logic. These comments overlook the anxiety and emotional distress involved.
Try instead:
✅ “I know food can feel complicated.”
✅ “I imagine meals can be really stressful sometimes.”
3. Minimizing or Comparing
❌ “Everyone struggles with food sometimes.”
❌ “At least it’s not as bad as it used to be.”
❌ “Others have it worse.”
Why this hurts:
Minimization can increase shame and discourage someone from seeking help.
Try instead:
✅ “Your experience matters.”
✅ “It makes sense that this feels overwhelming.”
4. Ultimatums or Pressure
❌ “If you don’t get help, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
❌ “You have to stop this—for me.”
Why this hurts:
Pressure can increase secrecy and resistance, even when it comes from fear and love.
Try instead:
✅ “I’m worried about you, and I’d really like us to think about support options together.”
How to Be Supportive Day-to-Day
Support isn’t just about big conversations—it’s about consistent, everyday interactions.
Focus on the Person, Not the Disorder
Continue talking about shared interests, goals, humor, and life. An eating disorder can already feel all-consuming; your relationship doesn’t have to revolve around it.
Respect Boundaries
Not everyone wants to talk about food or recovery all the time. Ask before giving input, and respect a “not right now.”
Be Mindful Around Food Talk
Diet culture is everywhere. Avoid:
Labeling foods as “good” or “bad”
Talking about calories, weight loss, or “earning” food
Making negative comments about your own body
Modeling a neutral, respectful relationship with food and bodies can be quietly powerful.
Encouraging Professional Help (Without Pushing)
Specialized treatment is often a crucial part of recovery—but suggesting it can feel delicate.
Helpful approaches include:
Framing therapy as support, not punishment
Emphasizing choice and collaboration
Offering to help with logistics (finding a provider, attending an intake, providing transportation)
You might say:
“Would you be open to talking to someone who specializes in this?”
“We could look at options together if that feels helpful.”
“You deserve support from someone who really understands eating disorders.”
At Being and Becoming Counselling Services in Burnaby, our team specializes in eating disorders and can provide individualized care for both clients and their families. Even if someone isn’t ready to start therapy immediately, knowing there is a safe, expert place to turn can reduce isolation and stress.
Taking Care of Yourself, Too
Supporting someone with an eating disorder can be emotionally taxing. You may feel scared, frustrated, helpless, or unsure if you’re doing enough.
It’s okay—and important—to:
Set your own boundaries
Seek support for yourself
Acknowledge your limits
You cannot recover for someone else. Being a steady, compassionate presence is already meaningful.
When to Seek Immediate Help
If you’re concerned about immediate safety—such as severe restriction, purging, fainting, or suicidal thoughts—it’s important to seek urgent professional or emergency support. Trust your instincts. Acting out of care is not a betrayal.
Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Get It Perfect
You will probably say the wrong thing at some point—and that’s okay. Repair matters more than perfection. A sincere “I’m sorry, that came out wrong, but I care about you” can go a long way.
Supporting someone with an eating disorder is about showing up with empathy, patience, and respect. Your willingness to learn, listen, and stay connected can help create a sense of safety—and that safety is often a powerful foundation for healing.
If you or someone you care about is struggling with an eating disorder, working with a specialized counselling team like Being and Becoming Counselling Services in Burnaby can make a meaningful difference. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone.